Funny, Crazy, And Shocking Confessions From Pe…


“I shit on my neighbor’s door-step.”

So back when I was 10, my dad asked me if I wanted to make 20$. I accepted. The catch was I had to sh*t on our neighbor’s door-step. It was clear my dad had beef with this woman. She woke in the morning and tried to blame our Chihuahua. My dad yelled at her saying that the sh*t was bigger than our dog. Impossible. The point is I don’t feel bad. Forever daddy’s girl.

“I pretended I was selling something on Craigslist and got two strangers to meet awkwardly.”

Years ago I made a new email address and got two potential buyers for a Playstation that I was pretending to sell. I confirmed a date and time with both of them. Decided on the mall near a certain store. I asked what they’d be wearing so I could find them. I gave them each other’s description for myself, and then went and hung out.

One walked up to the other. You could tell there was an immediate confusion. They started arguing over who had what. You could see them get pissed once they realized what happened and wasted their time. They both stormed off on their phones. Sure enough, I got angry emails from both of them lol

I feel kind of bad about it, but it was a funny interaction to witness.

“I’ve been replacing my wife’s coffee with decaf for four years.”

My wife and I have been married for four years. When we met, she was a tiny little terror. Like the Tasmanian Devil had a baby with Barbie. So freaking adorable and sweet, but she was a tornado. She drank like 6 cups of coffee every single day. If you didn’t know her you would swear she was on drugs. I loved her so much that I knew I could put up with it if I had to, but if I didn’t have to, I would try to find a way.

The month before our wedding I decided to try replacing her coffee with decaf for to see if it made a change. And Lord have mercy, it was incredible. It was hell the first two weeks. She had the biggest attitude and was so crabby, but I knew we could make it through it. Afterwards it was the best! She was still sweet, and spunky, and adorable, but she wasn’t leaving a trail of destruction behind her anymore.

I decided that from that moment on, I would no longer supply her with regular coffee. I would make every Starbucks run, I would buy regular and decaf ground coffee so I could replace the regular coffee in the package with decaf coffee. The only time she has regular coffee is when she orders it herself, which is like maybe once a week. But it makes her really jittery and she doesn’t understand why.

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